I didn’t get my invitation to the Fillies and Stallions Derby Eve Party again this year. Again. I sent in my picture and everything. I feel like I said all the right things in my application, too. I dished on how awesome it is to go to parties and how totally awesome the Kentucky Derby is. But still no invitation.

Heck, all I want to do is meet Green Bay Packers stallion Aaron Rodgers. Is that so much to ask? Well, and I also want to eat a bunch of those peel and eat shrimp with that red sauce. Mmm.

Maybe my information got lost in the mail. Hey, it happens.

Or maybe I’m just too hairy, or too old. Or too ugly. Hey, I understand that if it’s your party, you can invite whomever you want; if I throw a Derby shindig one day, I guarantee I won’t be inviting Justin Bieber. He probably wouldn’t show anyway.

This man is too ugly for the Maxim Fillies and Stallions Derby Eve Party. Heck, he may be too ugly for his own birthday party.
This man is too ugly for the Maxim Fillies and Stallions Derby Eve Party. Heck, he may be too ugly for his own birthday party.

But geez, man, the Fillies and Stallions Derby Eve Party takes the word “exclusive” to startling extremes. Not only do you have to submit an application to be invited, your application must be accompanied by a photograph of yourself and reviewed, presumably, by a panel of way-awesome Maxim models – that’s a tall order. I submitted the photo at right. Maybe that’s not what they were looking for?

The party began when a couple of buddies who love attending the Kentucky Derby – Steven Marshall of BlackRock Stables and Noah Flom – hit it big on an exacta with MineThatBird in 2009. They reportedly won more than a cool mill on the bet and decided to create an event to draw more attention to the Derby.

That’s a cool story. But chances are, if you’re reading this, you’re not invited. Why? Well, because like me, you’re probably just too ugly. No offense – hey, I think we look fabulous. But we’re not quite fabulous enough.

Beauty is everything in our society — beauty is in the eye of the beholder, yes, but it’s also true that people react more favorably to those they consider physically attractive. This party just ramps up the odds. If all these beautiful people get together and start having unbridled positive first reactions to one another, this must be one fun party.

Recent guests at Fillies and Stallions, which is in its fourth year, in addition to the aforementioned Rodgers, include celebrities like Erin Andrews, the Dos Equis guy, Ashton Kutcher, Lindsay Vonn, Clay Matthews, Wes Welker, Shaquille O’Neil, Dr. J, Scottie Pippen, Travis Tritt, Sidney Crosby, Bobby Flay and Nick Lachey.

How do you like that? Not one cast member from the TV show “The Big Bang Theory.” (Maybe Johnny Galecki is always busy that night.)

I should have gone to the “casting call” for the Maxim-sponsored bash. That was on April 18. The casting call was for “hopeful attendees,” since, you know, there are no Fillies and Stallions tickets available to the general public. They were looking for “Fun, Beautiful, Fit Models with Outgoing Personalities to Work One of the Biggest Events of the Year, ‘The Maxim Party’ Kentucky Derby!”

That's some damn handsome shrimp. Photo by Sara's Kitchen.
That’s some damn handsome shrimp. Photo by Sara’s Kitchen.

The event promo trumpeted, “If you think you have what it takes to be a Maxim Model we want to see you at one of our casting calls coming up!”

I didn’t go, though, because I was busy breaking all the mirrors in my house that night — which is unfortunate, because I was actually having a pretty good hair day, despite my twin calics (or “cow-licks,” as my grandparents used to call them).

Also, recommended attire for the casting call was a “tight fitting, two-piece outfit,” and my old gym shorts from high school were in the wash. They’re the tightest outfit I have.

But I find it interesting that apparently a large amount of the “guests” at this party will be paid actors. These aren’t just hotties, they’re well-paid, imported hotties. So, if you get a girl’s digits at this party and call her the industry-standard three days later, will you reach a modeling agency’s answering machine?

Whatever, this party is total swank. Margaritas will flow like wine. The place will bubble over with sass and effortless cool. There will also be a 40-foot-long red carpet and more paparazzi than you can shake a stick at. I’m sure a fun time will be had by all who attend.

The Fillies and Stallions party is this Friday, May 2, at Mellwood Arts Center, 10 p.m.-3 a.m. Unfortunately, it looks like I won’t be going again this year. But according to the official Facebook event, if you’re a female and you think you’re hot enough to get in, you can still e-mail your photo to [email protected]. Hey, anything is possible when you’re not ugly.

If you do get in, tell Aaron Rodgers I said “hi.” And save me some shrimp.

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Kevin Gibson covers everything from food to music to beer to bourbon. He loves bacon, loathes cucumbers and once interviewed Yoko Ono (pissed her off a little, too). Check out his books, “Louisville Beer: Derby City History on Draft” and “100 Things to do in Louisville Before You Die.” He has won numerous awards for his work but doesn’t know where most of them are now. In his spare time, he co-hosts a local radio show and plays in a band called the Uncommon Houseflies. Check out his blog, 502Brews.com, or feel free to call him names on Twitter: @kgramone.


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